If you enjoy this article please comment and follow me on Twitter @maddadskillz or Facebook or Instagram. Illustration credit to @paulcarlonillustration
Dearest little boys and little girls,
Thank you for taking the time away from your plethora of toys to write to me asking for more. I’m fine by the way, year has been lovely, thanks for not keeping in touch – again.
I just wanted to re-iterate a few ground rules. Clear up a few confusions from last year before the coal comes as a big surprise to anyone.
Firstly, being naughty or nice is a state of mind, not an individual act. I’m fairly omnipotent, must be all the mince pies over the years, so I know what you’ve been up to all year. Putting your dishes in the sink on Dec 24th does not earn you a new bike.
Secondly, the continual changing of your mind is a real burden on my elves. This is why we introduced the letter system. Once that letter is up that chimney you are set. No changes! I have a special Elf department who’s Prime function is to service those unavoidable last minute changes of mind, but, deciding you want the blue bike after a month of asking for the green one? Nope, sorry, the paint is dry. Ask for the blue one next year.
Thirdly, if you can’t spell what you want, you can’t have it. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to just cut pictures out of the Argos catalogue and stick them on a piece of paper. Electronic Santa letters containing lots of Amazon links are directed straight to spam folder. Fair is fair. Oh and by the way, Dec 26th – Nov 30th, Santa is out of the office, your email has not been forwarded.
Fourthly, sons and daughters of advertising executives, bad news I’m afraid, it’s going to be coal for you again this year. I know it’s not your fault and I appreciate mummy has to earn a living, but I do blame your folks for the overtime my elves put in and the reason that every kid seems to have no concern for my poor back! You have no idea how many Safe Working Environment directives the weight of my sack breaks.
Finally, I know it’s a bit rich coming from me, given I’m the purveyor of most material things during Christmas, but I wanted to remind you to take a moment. Take a moment to look through the piles of wrapping paper and ribbon, past the mountains of batteries and pain-in-the-ass plastic cases, to look at the two older people eagerly grinning back at you, one permanently from behind their camera phone.
Try to realise that this Recuse Bot or Furby or Olaf The Snowman ice cube maker is more than a hugely over priced chunk of Chinese manufacturing, it’s a gesture of love. A love that they have for you every day of the year but, for some reason, decide that today they should play it cool and say that I’m the one who is responsible for all the fun things in your life. Trust me kids, I’m not. This is just a job to me, Santa gotta pay the bills too.
But, while I mock you children for being focused on taking, the truth is you are unlikely to ever realise quite how much you have already given to your parents. Do you know why Mum and Dad don’t write letters to Santa? It’s because, after you arrived, they realised I had nothing more to offer them. No gift will ever fill them with more festive cheer than your laugh and smile.
So, laugh, smile and celebrate, today and everyday.
Merry Christmas and see you soon,
If you enjoyed this article please comment and follow me on Twitter @maddadskillz or Facebook or Instagram. Illustration credit to @paulcarlonillustration